It sounds abusive from what you describe Rose...no one who feels anything for you is going to grab your hair like that or hold you against your will. That's abuse.

There may have been a few consensual times, but you've got to understand that you were exposed to this at a very young age, and he, based on what you've said, led you into it. You were also at the point in your life where sexual things begin to become interesting. I think you were lead into something you didn't fully understand, and once there, you were in over your head. I think he preyed on your age, your inexperience, and once he had reeled you in, he exploited that. Even if you agreed, it wasn't under level, rational circumstances...it's like a confession given under duress is not admissible in court. It is the same concept.

Please don't think of yourself as an animal Rose...that isn't you. He manipulated you. That happens to the best of us, myself very certainly included.

You're in my prayers Rose. I wish you my best, and I hope therapy will help you put this in the past.

Hugs,
Harley