Well, I went to the therapist today. Didn't accomplish much, other than answering a few awkward questions and going over medical history and all that jazz. He wants to refer me to a psychiatrist that works almost an hour away from where I live. I don't know if I'm that emotionally invested in myself to drive over an hour to pay more money than I can afford to babble to a complete stranger about my miserable past. All they'll do is throw more drugs at me, and even though this Vistaril seems to help, I'm not digging being put back on antidepressants (or any drugs for that matter). I would just like these massive anxiety attacks to stop but he said that my coping mechanisms quit...basically, he told me exactly everything I already knew.

I know this was just a preliminary meeting and that I wouldn't get much accomplished. I certainly didn't walk in there with any misconceptions of leaving "cured." I don't think there is a cure, unless they start bringing back the icepick lobotomies. After thinking it over and looking at the bigger picture, I will probably feel this way regardless of who I talk to, sooooo...why should I bother? If they can't "fix" this mess my brain is in, and it's something I'm going to have to live with, why should I waste the money and gas and time?

Sorry, I'm just in a dark funk, trying to hash out my brain matter and make sense of all of this.