I'm not sure what I should do anymore.

I guess I'm searching for reinforcement that this isn't all in my head.
I'm not going to attempt to write with style or eloquence--both of which I am accustomed to.
I've been battling with self-hatred and poor self-esteem my entire life.
The poor esteem finally snowballed after years of investigation. Slowly I learned about starvation, purging, and self-mutilation. I dabbled in it for years before I jumped in headfirst. I had always been concerned with my appearance, but one year seemed to just...set it off.
Within one summer, I lost twenty pounds. I received lots of positive reinforcement. I continued until I lost another 20, but after that, I still received attention--but not positive. My friends and boyfriend of the time accused me of starvation--they were right, but of course I never admitted.
I made an effort at recovery after I passed out at track practice.
I was successful for a few years, but one afternoon I tried on my old "skinny" clothes. I haven't been the same since.
I have been through cycles of normalcy, starvation, and bulimia, all to result in a lower self-esteem.

My refusal to wear certain clothes has impaired my social life--going to pools, going to clubs, that sort of thing.

I've been debating seeking professional help. I'm tired of counting calories and exercising until I can't stand anymore. But...I don't feel like I am bad enough to deserve it. I'm not skinny...in fact, I'm probably overweight. I don't look sick, and I'm afraid I'll be told I don't need help. That I'm fine.
In reality I know I'm not fine, but I guess I just need to hear it from other people. My heart says I'm ill, my mind says I'm not.
I have plans of restriction, dieting, goal weights, and I punish myself for breaking these "rules"---be it through mutilation or fasting.

Should I seek help? What do I do? Where do I go? It all sounds so...cliche.
I guess after all these years my mind is finally breaking free and trying to tell me I need help.

I feel like there are two people arguing in my head.