Flinty, he's pretty disgusted with my weight (about 50 lbs. gained in the last 3 yrs. or so). He doesn't want to have anything to do with me sexually. I haven't been in therapy for about 4 yrs. due to feeling so much better (have bp) on the drugs, but I will call today to get back in. My husband suggested he go with me or would be willing to go on his own if the therapist thought that would be best. Right now I don't think I could talk honestly in front of him cuz I'm still feeling so vulnerable & hurt.

I know some of it goes back to my father who was obsessed with looks. My mother was very beautiful physically & after she died he wouldn't even talk about her illness (bp) or her suicide. He just said she was so beautiful--she didn't seem beautiful to me cuz she was abusive to us kids, plus she was just plain scary. He left us alone with her a lot despite knowing her diagnosis & behaviors, but he was an alcoholic so he wasn't exactly focussed on us kids.

I married a man who is very focussed on looks, too, as was his mother. I think he may have learned it from her so he REALLY can't accept my weight. It goes against a basic belief of his that a big part of a women's worth is beauty & I don't have that anymore.

I'm still crying today, but not so much that I'd do the Xanax & alcohol thing again.