Well, I will say I do know exactly what you're going through - and you're right, it's because I'm living with it, too (almost exactly the same diagnosis as you). It is incredibly difficult for people who don't live with this to know exactly how it is and how intensely it affects our lives.

I would say first, it may be a good idea to consider prescription medications. I know that is difficult, and you are right: we still have ups and downs with medication, but they are less severe once the right medication(s) is found.

As far as your unfortunate experiences with counselors, I am so sorry that that happened. I don't know if you live in a large city or not. Either way, in some cases, you can find pro-bono counselors (those who give free counseling so they can earn their Master's degree). Call around and ask. If you have the ability to pay for a counselor, please keep looking until you find the one that you are comfortable with and will give you the time of day. Like medication, this may take time, too. But I say this, as painful as this is right now, don't give up.

It will take time to find the right treatment and I know in as much pain as you must be in, you don't feel like you can stand waiting. Please, please try. You are not a disappointment, nor are you a burden. You have an illness. Like a physical illness, it needs to be treated. You may not see it now, but you are valuable and you deserve to live a happy life and you will find it one day. Just keep fighting! I know what you are going through. I am technically still homeless, but I have found the treatments that are working for me (though there may need to be some adjustments), and (slowly but surely) one step at a time, I am getting my life back together. If I can do it, I believe you can, too. Please, please, keep fighting!