it feels like my therapy keeps getting worse each time i go. by "worse" i mean that my therapist and i don't seem to be communicating very well, and each time i try to clear the air it doesn't help. in addition, i seem to be withholding the truth more and more. it's like i don't feel safe with her any more.

i started today's session telling her that things between us had been feeling "off" for me, and gave her a few examples of how. we tried to go through each thing, but came to the conclusion that it wasn't really about the things we were discussing - that it was about something much larger/different. but still, the things that i was mentioning were bothering me. for example, she explained to me (after i asked) that she doesn't wan to use email for anything more than scheduling/insurance stuff. she says that it doesn't feel right or okay to her to be doing any kind of therapy over email. what's weird is that the last time i emailed her about something i had been feeling, her reply began with "i'm so glad you reached out!" and ended with "thank you again for reaching out to me." so now i'm totally confused. but of course i didn't say anything as i was afraid she get mad that i called her out.

another thing i mentioned is how our hugs have been feeling kind of strained lately. right away she said, "well i didn't hug you last week because i had been feeling ill." i told her that i knew that, but explained that in general the hugs feel like a chore - like we're just going through the motions but aren't really into it. we moved on to talking about something else, and then at the end of session she basically got up and opened the door to let me out. we don't ever talk/hug after the door is open, so i started to leave. she was looking at me with this face though like "oh i guess you're leaving without a hug?" it was so strange. but at that point we were way past the hug point anyway (which is usually done right where/when we stand up). i don't know what to make of it, or if we really we're supposed to hug because she's still kind of ill.

also, just before i was leaving she totally snapped at me. i don't think she's ever done that before, and it felt totally crappy. she said something like, "when THREE people are involved, ONE PERSON (meaning me) doesn't get to make the decision!" i don't even know what i said in response, but i think i just sort of said "okay" or something. it was kind of awful, and totally unlike her.

to make matters worse, i had opened up in the last 15 minutes of session about my sexuality. it's something we rarely talk about, but i ended up blurting out, "lately, i just feel like i'm straight!" we talked about it a little bit (she asked a bunch of questions), and towards the end i remember saying, "this just feels so huge." (i've been out/dating women for 15 years, so to be at odds with a big part of my identity feel like a lot to be dealing with.) then i said, "i think i just need to put this away for now" in an effort to help myself feel okay before leaving, and she just agreed with me. i'm surprised she didn't do/say anything to help "contain" the big thing that i had just revealed. quite the opposite in fact, when she ended up snapping at me. it all left me feeling really unsafe and not okay.

anyway, i wanted to share all of this with someone. i've been trying to deal with the session aftermath as best i can, but it's been difficult. thank you for reading.