when waking up that I'd been gone...just gone...and felt different - someone else.

I knew that I would lose all track of time, even at 10 or 11 years old. I would go outside to "play" and the next thing I would know is it would be getting dark. I would "wake up" and know that I was going to be in bad trouble. Where did the time go? What had I been doing all that time? I really didn't leave to come play at 2 in the afternoon, did I? These were always times that I would go off by myself.

The first "in my face" of what I'd done during those periods was about that same time. I was 10/11 (I know this because of where we lived at the time). I was at the skating rink.

When the emotional, physical and sexual abuse was at its peak, and my dad was overseas, I would go to the skating rink every week. I was such the regular that I got to help, was cared for by those who ran it, etc. The man who worked there ran my abuser off telling him that brothers don't treat their little sisters that way and that they were supposed to protect them, and he wouldn't have it another time. It was SAFE, and I was safe!!! Heck it wasn't even that bad that time, and someone stood up for me!!!

Anyhow, at the skating rink, it was time for the "boys only skate". I have no clue what happened, but I remember that same man "waking me up" on the rink..."I" was out there in the boys skate pulling myself along the rails as if I didn't know how to skate at all (I was an excellent skater). He asked me what I was doing, then asked me if I was ok. I was confused and didn't know what was going on. I was horribly embarassed and went and sat down. I soon put that incident away with all the other incidents that didn't make sense.

It's one I've never forgotten though. What I like about remembering this is what "surrounds" it...the fun, safe, cared for feelings as I remember knowing at the same time that I was different. When he "woke me up" I still had the sense that I couldn't skate and I belonged in the boy's skate.

I didn't know it, but by then I was already the skilled dissociator with many parts of this mind which were well formed and specific. See, by this age, it had already been years...

Good memory, strange memory, reflective, making sense memory. Anytime I hear the old song "We're an American Band", I immediately "go back" in a good flashback.

Thanks for reading. Can anyone share a similar experience wherein they knew that things were "off" but didn't know how, why or what?

KD