Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I really had a bad day at work today. I try to do as much as I can, but I totally disappointed people today. I hate myself for not being normal. I hate myself so much that it is all that I feel right now. I feel so alone and separated from other people, I'm never going to 'fit in'. I'm tired of trying. Being in this state reminds me of how much my therapist hated me at the end, and I'm not projecting. I wish I had never done anything to ever make him hate me, but I did and I do this with others  I'm a failure. The whole world could hate me and I feel so much hate for myself that it wouldn't make a difference. I'm so tired of being okay one day and then hitting rock bottom. I'm tired of trying to assimilate into the general population and I'm tired of thinking about being terminated. I am so ****ing sick to ****ing death of my termination sinking into every ****ing thought I have and showing up unwanted. It is an entity of its own and pops up in my head whenever it pleases. I ****ing hate every minute of every day. My absence was the best gift my therapist ever received. I hate myself. |
I soooo relate to this right now as you well know... I especially struggle with the bolded part. At the moment it's like the two halves of my brain are at war. One side is rational and despite being really confused is able to integrate information I have learned over the time, the other is CRAZY and is convinced of all sorts of awful things with regard to my almost-ex-T.
I hate how much I think about termination too. Hate it.
But all this hate you have for yourself, it seems like you're taking anger at a situation in which you have no control, and turning it in on yourself, which is something you can control. I think one of the hardest things for me is the total loss of control I have experienced in having a T who made choices that were wrong for me while seemingly unswayed by any evidence that they were the wrong choices. It always felt like there had to be something that would make him stop the course of destruction, but unfortunately, I can't know that and can only decide half of what happens in any relationship. You can't make someone do the right thing for you, and that hurts a lot. Why they do the wrong thing, though, it isn't because of you. You don't deserve to have someone make hurtful choices in how they relate to you.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I don't hate you, and in fact you're helping me a lot right now.
