I feel so horrible right now that I just want to drink. I've never had a drink in my life because I have alcoholic parents and don't want to be like them. I can surely understand the need to drown out your feelings though. I thought about going to the store to buy some alcohol, but can you believe that I'd actually be too ashamed to purchase it??? I would think the cashier would think I was an alcoholic. I've never been one to avoid dealing with my feelings before, but I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand to think about how I've been with this guy for almost 2 years who doesn't even want to love me. To this day, he keeps me a secret from his scummy wife who just had her 3rd child. This makes it 3 kids with 3 different dads. And she's got my BF wrapped around her little finger just because she was/is married to him and he is such a push-over with her. After she cheated on him and it resulted in her 2nd pregnancy, he actually stayed with her knowing it wasn't his kid. Thankfully he doesn't pay child support for that kid now, just his biological-daughter. I can't even talk about my feelings with him anymore. I never really could because he gets so angry with me if I talk about love and honesty, and all those things that are supposed to make up a good relationship. He used me as a looooong term rebound, or just settled for me when he realized that his wife wasn't going back to him. He's scared of her, and says she'll take him for more child support if I say anything to her....if she found out about me. Twice in the whole time I have known him, I tried to contact her, and it ended up with me being the bad guy. It's like he's still on her side. What am I??? I feel like nothing. And logically I know I'm not nothing. Some would say I'm quite a good catch, but he's really torn me down now. I JUST found out that this tramp had this new baby. He's known about it for almost a year, and for some reason hid it from me. It couldn't be his......I found a picture online. It's looks absolutely nothing like him. I can't understand the possible reasons why he would hide this from me though, and still insist on keeping me a secret from her. He says he's ashamed he was ever married to a woman like that.......but he's not even with her anymore, so I don't get it. He thinks I would've told the people we worked with. Well, I haven't worked there for 3 months now, and if he respected me enough to just be honest, I wouldn't have any reason to tell anyone anything. The only reason I ever talked to anyone about me and him was because I had no one else to talk to, and his apparent lack of care, but reluctance to just let me go hurts me so much. I have one other friend, and he is a guy. Out of undeserved respect for my BF, I stopped hanging out with my guy friend because it would've reinforced my BF's insecurities. Anyway, the fact that he HID this from me makes me very suspicious, and he doesn't even understand that. I ended up contacting wife on FB because I had an immature moment. I just wanted to tell her and everyone she knows what kind of a woman she is. I don't know this for sure, but wouldn't doubt that she's lied to her friends and family about who the fathers are of her kids. I told her to get on some birth control, or get her tubes tied. I'm really just angry that my BF seemed to have loved and respected that woman so much, and still does respect her, but he treats me like some kind of servant. I'm only here to serve his needs. He's been hoping that I will be there to help pay half his living expenses, so he doesn't have to be so broke from paying so much child support. (oh, he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that he yells at their mom if she asks for more child support.) It's like he expects me to be the sucker who takes care of all his baggage. I cannot handle it. It he were honest and not love sick over that wife while he was trying to be with me, and did things the right way, I wouldn't mind helping him with his kids, but this is way too much. I guess I just can't deal with the truth.......he never cared for me......he just wanted to use me. I'm so angry that I let him. I'm so angry that I fell for his sweet talk.