Thanks everyone! Your replies really helped I'm not radiating anymore but it is a solid hatred at the moment. In retrospect, although I didn't think that my newT's vacation departure was bothering me, I suspect that it triggered my abandonment/rejection issues and pulled up the termination stuff AGAIN. It's irrational that I turn this hatred inward but it feels like I have more power that way. It's like when I start to feel even a tinge of hurt from being terminated, which I couldn't control, I start feeling hatred and turn it inward, which I can control. I do feel empty while also feeling solid hate, but I'm not feeling like I am worried about xT being gone. I'm not sure. . .