I first started therapy for depression because of a medical condtion that has disabled me. The very first time I saw my "t", immediately the topic of conversation became more about my childhood. "No, I didn't think i had been depressed all my life... quite the opposite actually..."

It seems as if I have been a "pretender" all my life. Pretending nothing was wrong.. pretending to be perfectly adjusted and "normal" whatever that means.... and I have pretended nothing bad happened to me.But I NEVER totally erased it from my memory banks.. its all stored there alright.. and now my memories are flooding me. I am overwhelmed. I am holding it together.. doing what I have always done.. avoiding it.Ignoring it.. or trying to.

Originally going to therapy was supposed to help me get over the depression from my condition , as well as help me with being approved for a disability claim. It hasn't helped with either. In fact, I feel more depressed than when I started and I have anxiety pretty bad too.

I feel like I have so much work to do.. and it affects my medical condition in a very bad way so it is slow going and I get very discouraged. There are time when I simply can't handle therapy although I haven't missed an appointment in a very long time.

I seem to have quite a large amount of childhood baggage.. and I haven't even gotten started on the abusive relationship I was in for 3 years... thats a whole different set of luggage! Geez.. its hard to stay positive sometimes.... <font color="#880000"> </font>