I don't think that sounds ridiculous, actually. I think it points towards the learning of a general idea that it takes a lot of us a lot of time to understand: that we learn from the relationships we see and in many ways and many patterns, we play out the primary relationships we have observed as children. I was speaking to a friend a while back where she kept talking about marriage as a relationship that is necessarily political - and I could not resonate with that. But that is because I've been ... lucky in that aspect and seen relationships which last not only through life but also after death (in that my parents are still very... married, though my mom passed away over 14 years ago). So somewhere it's also very difficult for me to let go of relationships and stuff. So... the other level of that learning is apparently when we realise that where our lessons from our families end end and where our choices begin. ...this is a very inchoate thought process, so forgive me if it sounds random. >>;
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People have told me such things like confidence being attractive - to me, it is not, it is irrelevant. Confidence has nothing to do with what I desire from a relationship or in someone. If I want someone in my life I can express myself to safely, then whether they are confident or not has nothing to do with that.
On the other end, I have always thought that women wanted men that were rich, successful, and intelligent, the ideal man, for whatever their reason for that. Last year, I was upset because the careers I have decided I would like to pursue aren’t the most lucrative, and I thought that I would be forever alone if I didn’t make enough money to be desirable to women.
Feelings never have factored into my understanding of relationships. I want someone to express myself to and women want men with money. It makes sense in my mind. Nobody has ever told me they liked me for me until I was 20 years old. It would make sense to me if a woman liked me because she wanted money or something from me. It doesn’t make sense for a woman to like me for who I am.
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I'm hearing two things in what you've written. One, that your sense of what you want out of a relationship is different from that which you perceive in others? You seem to be wanting space, expression, acceptance and understanding, if I'm following? And two, that though you're wanting to be seen for yourself, you have troubles trusting that this is possible at all. I'm wondering if there is then something about... connection that is also unnerving? If somewhere you don't trust people to see you for who you are and like you for who you are, then are you also concerned that a part of you is not... you know, knowable and acceptable? Sorry if that's too personal >>; you can choose to not answer it, of course!
Also, just wondering but isn't that attractive to you, then? Being heard, being accepted?
Which brings me to the first part of your post - about parts of you that are walled in or walled out. I can relate with what you're talking about, I think. Lately, my T and I have bee talking about people that I've created - imaginary friends, characters in my writings, almost... alter ego like, but more consciously done? - and how that is in some ways a reflection of my tendency to isolate things that are difficult to deal with. I've sometimes had this issue in therapy - she brings up something that is difficult to hear, and I kind of... blank out. I forget. It's like my brain almost knows how to switch off when it feels threatened. Is that what it's like for you?
So... there's this thing I'm sort of thinking about right now, about this stuff. I am considering doing something called "Focusing" - which I thought was fascinating. It's supposed to be a mode of bringing exiled parts of yourself home. It goes back to the thing about focusing on your body when you think about a feeling, or an experience. Where you feel it. What its texture is, what it feels like, what its colour is... you know? Would you possibly be interested in talking about/ working with/playing around with the idea of something like that?
Aaaaaaaaaaand...
1. Possibly an India thing. I've heard of other women do it too. Really not sure about this particular woman in your context.
2. How much easier would it be to stick gum in someone's hair than, say, ask them out?
3. ... Cool. And true.
