debated putting this in grief and death forum but four of the people I speak of are still alive so I thought that might cast a shadow on their lives, you know?


2012 is becoming the year of loss and death.

It started with the death of my beloved horse, Dusty. He was my best friend ever and I still mourn his death. There will never be another horse like him.

Then the wild dogs killed two of my cats by evisceration, one of whom was pregnant. Very sad and very angry but didn't compare to the loss of Dusty.

Shortly thereafter my cat, Marla, had five kittens. One born dead, three died within a week and the last died when he was two weeks olds despite me using a water bottle warm him and giving him extra kitty milk. Marla lost weight so I put her on special food and the vet gave her antibiotics when she developed a cough/wheezes. I put her on the porch one day after she was hiding in a dark corner and went 'round the house shutting closet doors and rooms where she could get behind stuff where I couldn't reach her. I went to the porch and she was gone and she has never returned. Previously she was an indoor/outdoor cat and didn't think she would go away but I beat myself up anyway.

Just animals you say....

In May my uncle died after a long illness. I am really amazed he lived so long because his health was poor for years (EF = 15% ten years ago). But he clearly had a strong will to live. Nevertheless he is dearly missed by my aunt and our family.

His daughter was in a vehicular accident several years ago and had a brain injury that changed her personality. The once kind girl became mean, a thief, and was in and out of jail at least fifteen times following the accident. Sad but how do you fix a brain injury? A month after we buried her father she committed suicide.

Now my cousin has lung cancer. He was diagnosed just a few months but chemo/rad did not work. He was admitted to the hospital again this week for worsening dyspnea. He isn't dealing with it well emotionally at all. He doesn't want to be put on a ventilator. But he doesn't want to have a DNR order. He is afraid to go to sleep because he is afraid he won't wake up. He is afraid to die. Today he agreed to return home to die with hospice. His wife and children are constantly with him and his extended family has been with him much of this week.

His mother's breast cancer has returned and she had a mastectomy last month. She doesn't want to live. She says she wants a double funeral. Her pain is controlled but she simply has no will to live. So unfair. She is 80 and ready to die and her son is 55 and wants desperately to live.

And I have another aunt in Georgia who has been in and out of the hospital and nursing home with brief bits of time in her own home this year. I am afraid she will die before I ever get to see her again. She has been a good aunt to me and I will miss her. A few years ago she told me I was the easiest kid she ever had to babysit. I have always had a fascination with animals and she said when I was at her house I would ask her to tie me to the leg of her kitchen table and put a bowl of water on the floor and I would pretend I was a dog. Yeah, I've always been eccentric.

Our family are good people and we are close. It is taking its toll on us and I personally am exhausted. I worry about my mother who has multiple illnesses herself and I worry her cirrhosis of the liver is becoming end stage. Her doc showed me a picture of her liver several months ago when she had a cholecystectomy and I haven't seen a lot of livers but hers was fatty and not a healthy pinkish color. I asked her later to ask her physician if she was a candidate for a liver transplant, that I would donate part of my liver if so but she said she didn't think she would survive the surgery.

All I know to do is to be with them and bring food. I don't know if it is just our Appalachian culture but when people die we gather and bring food to the home. When I was young we had the wake at the home of the dead person with the dead person in their bed as if they were sleeping. I don't see that style much anymore. I'm just too wiped out to cook but Penn Station has a sub platter that I can pick up and bring some lemonade and iced tea.

I don't know how long before the impending deaths of my cousin and aunt. And I am concerned for my mother. I think my sister had a premonition perhaps because in the summer she cut her RN work hours from full time to part time which I thought unusual at the time since she is in her early 40's and healthy herself. Now I'm thinking she wanted to spend more time with mom. Fortunately I have not returned to work yet so I have had all this week free and have slept so much of it that my son came to my room to check on me because he hasn't seen me much.

I am not a religious person so won't ask for prayers but send positive vibes if you wish.