The desperate moment when you realize that depression may be coming or that it is here. Desperate feelings where you would rather not exist than go through it again. I understand that part of it. I rationalize and justify too. It's okay sometimes to do that.

I think of it like, I put everything I had.. more than I had into feeling 'not depressed' and I barely made it through, barely made it. And when my emotions and moods shifted again, I could accept it cuz it was irritable and hypo. But I can do irritable and hypo. But then when they shifted again and I felt the first twinge of depression, I freak out! I barely made it through last time! I can't do this! AAHHHH!

That is how it goes for me. Your post sounds a lot the same way, I totally relate. I can't take away the impending doom, but I will tell you that you are not alone! You are not out of your mind for posting this and you are understood.