Renew,

I hope that my advice didn't give you the wrong idea. Religion is important to me too, and I agree with you that God is good and your relationship with God is very important in directing your life, your healing, and all that is really important. Sometimes, however, people confuse culture with religion. I think that was what happened to me. I listened to what other people (who share the same religion as I do) said about not waiting to get married and have children, when I wasn't ready yet. Sometimes the message from people you trust and respect is easier to grab onto than it is to listen to the spirit, consider what is in your best interest, and make your own decision with God as your guide.

I had been in therapy twice by the time I got married. The first therapist told me that I was only homesick (yeah, right) and that getting married would cure me. The second told me marriage would be a big mistake for me at that time because I would raise a dysfunctional family just like the one that I came from. After 16 years, I am still married, but I wish with all my heart that I had waited, because something is missing and I wonder if I will ever develop the individual strength that I never had. I felt so trapped that it reached the point where suicide looked like the only way out for a while.

My parents have been married for 38 years, but staying married is not really the issue. My mother fosters dependency in everyone she gets her hands on. My father retreats to his own world somewhere in his head, or books, etc. and doesn't know what is going on around him. Of my siblings and I (six of us), three broke free - or think we did (for me, the oldest, it took a major battle and a clean break and almost no contact with my family for many years and other ongoing effects), and three are adult children who may never be allowed to have their own lives - unable to support themselves or develop relationships outside of the family.

Forgive me for talking about myself so much - but I can only speak from my own experience as I am not an authority on anyone else's.

Your choices are your own, and I hope that it turns out well for you whichever way you choose. I am glad that you and your girlfriend have a friendship that is mutually beneficial. Marriage may be right for you. All I am saying is that you will have a healthier marriage if you both conquer your dependency issues first, because codependency is not a healthy relationship. There is a difference between codepencency vs. mutual support, love, and a healthy need for each other.