Well meds are not an option because I refuse to go down that road again. Meds always made me worse off. I would love to say I ever found any one med that helped, but they did not. Especially AD's and Ap's. Mood stabilizers didn't seem to do much either way.

And when I say I can't ask for help, well I can, but I don't see what help they can offer me. I have already been through therapy, out patient programs, done numerous therapy methods on my own. I have the skills, the tools, the know how. I know what I am supposed to do. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have a T but we have a weird set up, which is fine by me. I reserve calling her for when I am in severe trouble, and she helps me navigate things with my pdoc. Sounds a little weird right? I have trouble talking to be pdocs and the crt staff because I feel like it is always a negotiating process, and when I am that sick I cannot negotiate on my own, so I guess at this point I would call her more of an advocate than a T.

You guys seem to get what I am saying, I don't feel desperate, well maybe in the middle of the night. Night is a bad time for me always, my senses are so heightened it's nuts.

I got a call today from my new place of employment. I start on wednesday, so I have four days to get it together, I am also sick as a dog with a terrible cold/flu. my job should not be too hard, just physical. She said I will start by deep cleaning suits in the resort and the houses. It is at the ski resort so there are a number of rental chalet type houses. That doesn't sound too bad.

I thought about it today and one good thing about this job that might improve the winter months is that it is high elevation in the mountains. I live down in the valley, the fog and cloud coverage lasts from now till march. Literally we do not see the blue of the sky or the sun at all from now till then. However when go go up to the ski resort, you are above the cloud level, it is nothing but clear blue sky, sun, and freezing cold haha. I think that could really help me get through this winter a little more unscathed than usual.

Thanks for listening to me, and trying to make sense with me, it is so much appreciated, you have no idea. Sometimes I just need to talk to get it sorted. My head just makes such a mess of things, I have a great ability to compound and complex things, not always a good thing. Anyone with bipolar who doesn't do that? haha probably not.

I'll get through it, just have to find one string to pick up, not all of them.

Part of the problem, I think.. is that I refuse to go there. As I see it, it offers me nothing, it is no longer a richer experience, the dark is not a mystery to me, it's not rewarding to me, I don't feel like I need to spend anymore time there. I have been there enough to gain what it offers. And it's a problem for sure because it isn't calculated, it has no equation.