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Originally Posted by Asiablue
I don't even know where to start, except that i feel heartbroken today.
I disclosed some really heavy stuff in an email to my T yesterday. She responded pretty quick and said and did the right things. But then my self-loathing and guilt at telling her kicked in and a couple of emails later, she said i think we should discuss this in session, let me know if you want to bring your session forward. It felt like a withdrawal on her part, like a subtle "get to F ***, i don't have time for you right now". And omg that just sent me in to overdrive. I sent a *****y email and quit. I am soooooooooooooo angry with her, even tho i have no right to be because she does so much for me. She told me to think about this pattern before deciding to quit.
I don't even know why i'm angry at her. But i am. She sent me a message to tell me to take care of myself in light of certain triggering things that are happening in the news. And i feel like saying " WTF do you care whether i look after myself or not?" Which is horrible cos i think she prob does care on some level.
The anger and hurt right now is intolerable.  Why am i so horrible? Why am i pushing her away so much. She doesn't deserve the crap i'm throwing at her.
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I used to feel like that - and not so very long ago, either.
I was horrible because I hated my mother and I was projecting that onto T. That's the miracle of transference!
But here's the good news. If you get that hate out into the open, you can examine it and find out where it really comes from. And even simpler: your hate will wear itself out and fade away if you give it enough room to do so.
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Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc.
Add that to your tattoo, Baby!
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