Wow, devoradora, you're so much luckier than me, in so many ways. You had a father you knew and who was your best friend. I never met my father. You have an IRA with money in it. I have nothing.

Sure, you're in a deep depression. Your father died only 4 months ago. Give yourself time to grieve. What I've read said that the process of grief takes a year (there are stages). Don't push yourself or demand too much from yourself during that time. It took me quite a while to be able to talk about my family's deaths (they all died within 9 months), and I didn't even like them that much. But I felt so abandoned (again). It hit me hard, but sort of sneaked up on me. At the time I actually felt shocked, but sort of relieved that they were gone. It was a complete mystery to me why I couldn't talk about my mother's death, for a few years afterward, without crying. I didn't even like her! But there were issues. They were deep down, but they were there. I can talk about her now, but, during the holidays I really feel the absence of family.

Anyway, as for my disappointment issue -- I've always had such low self esteem and not living up to my expectations of myself has always been an issue for me. I've tried. Damned hard. But you can only do what you can do. I've known people who put out MUCH less effort than I have, with fewer brains or skills, and I've seen them succeed. I can only assume karma has something to do with it. Some people were just meant to have certain things, and others weren't, no matter how hard we work. Sigh. If I could just accept that and stop striving for things, I'd probably feel much better. (It's that old "should" bugaboo -- "I should have this," "I should be at this point in my life by this age," etc.) Gets me every time.

Hang in there.