Even after 9yrs I still watch the clock in T so I can say "we're finished". T has never had that chance. Last week T asked me a question about a negative coping behaviour she knows about and I admitted it is still an issue & then asked her "what are you thinking?" In relation to my admitting to it. T replied "I'm thinking its time". Oh gosh I left feeling terrible. The feeling of rejection grew & grew. Something from my past was becoming conscious and I knew this was transference but still the feelings were real.

Friday was a very difficult session. I couldn't talk. I kept going to but I just couldn't. T said that she feels as if I am going to say something is that how I felt? I nodded yes, she asked what was stopping me. I said I can't talk.

Most of session went this way, T said I want her to know what was going on. I said but I'm not playing a game where I want you to guess its just I can't tell you incase you dismiss the thing you did that has hurt me so much.

I got home and emailed T the 2 sentences that triggered me and she replied saying would it help if she told me that the rest of that senstence was "I'm thinking its time........AND not a good time to be finished after asking you that question". I replied yes that does help and I need things like that spelt out. She apologised (hate it when she does) and said she will try too in future.

I can't belief rejection is such a painful wound. This morning going over in my mind with all this stuff I suddenly remember an incident in the summer when my daughter had arranged to get her nails done by my sons gf. My sons gf came round and had miss understood what kind of nail treatment my daughter wanted and there was this moment when my daughter realised this, when my sons gf realised this and I couldn't bear it. I had to go upstairs because I felt so uncomfortable. I didn't know what it was about. I wanted to rescue my sons gf but at the same time respected my daughters abilty to be able to say "no actually it's this I want" and not feel awkward doing that.

This morning I realised to me that felt like rejection. I was projecting my feelings of rejection into my sons gf. I have no idea if she was feeling like that. I mean for "normal" people it's just a misunderstanding - end off - for me it was huge. So painful.

Sorry for lonnnnng post