(trigger for mention of sui)

My. T. Finally. Got. It.

A few weeks ago, T said something in session that TOTALLY UNDID ME. It was absolutely the closest I've ever come to ending it all. I really didn't know I could feel that terrified and defeated and hopeless. T saw me fall apart and he saw the aftermath.

He started checking on me, which he's never done in all of our years of therapy. He called me a few times, and he provided a huge chunk of time one afternoon so I could come in and see him whenever I could find time in the middle of a busy day I was having. And I did manage to go in, and he checked on me a couple more times after that. Which I needed, because I was SO not in a safe place.

And HE FINALLY GETS IT. He said something shifted, and he "woke up" and that he sees everything completely differently now. He said he was a bad therapist this winter and spring, and that the part that makes him sad is that I am the person who really got hurt by it.

He said that he sees how much everything that happened paralleled my childhood in the eeriest way. He said that he gets how scary it's been for me, and how scary it must be for me now to try to learn to trust him again. He's apologized, and owned his part, and admitted that he made some big, serious mistakes.

When I see him in session, I can ask him questions about what happened this winter and spring and he answers totally honestly. He bought something for my little part to replace something in his office that was sort of "taken" from her during all of the mess.

He told me the other day that I had been through a lot this year, that all of the badness of what was happening had been dumped on me, and that he hated that and wishes he could redo it. He said that's the thing that makes him the saddest of all, and the most regretful, and that he wants to do whatever we need to do to "clean up the mess".

I'm shaking typing this because its just so so so huge. Because it feels really real, and true.

I spent all of these months trying to do the right thing and being trapped in a situation that was completely out of my control. I tried to tell T what was going on and he just couldn't hear me. There was no one who I could turn to for help.

And now, all of a sudden, I am BELIEVED. I am seen, and heard. I am cared for. It was like living through the darkness of my childhood all over again, but having it turn out differently this time...which I really never expected to happen. But it's happening.

I'm still wary and we still have a lot of work to do, but I can really feel the difference with T. I can tell that he finally, FINALLY gets it.

Its almost too big to wrap my mind around, and we are moving forward one baby step at a time. But we are moving forward.

He finally believes me.