Trigger for discussion of sexual abuse.





Okay, was doing some research the other night and found a list of characteristics and/or symptoms of sexually abused children. It was disturbing to me how very many of those things listed applied to me. Of course, from my perspective, it is the grossest, weirdest, most horrifying things on the list that apply to me.

I already gave my T a print out of private messages from this forum of mine that discuss some of these things. As long as it's out there, and I already feel like ****, I am thinking about just emailing him the list with the ones that apply to me bolded. In some ways, it would be a relief to just have it over with (and in my head, if I do this then I'm basically DONE with therapy, right?). In other ways, I just think having him know this much at once might drive me over the edge into a self destructive spiral. Maybe. But probably not. I have survived way worse without totally losing it, right?

On the other hand, my T asked me to stop working on the Courage to Heal book. He said I was pushing too hard. I am too hard on myself and too intolerant of allowing myself to just take the time and space it takes to heal. So, I don't know whether to send it or not. If this me pushing too hard and being too intolerant of how long it is taking me to get well? Or is this me taking a huge step forward to just getting the shame out into the light of day and getting rid of it?