I can relate to everything you wrote. I too was not allowed to express myself or I was punished physically when I wasn't being ignored. I experienced sexual abuse from a neighbor over the period of a year and a half. That has certainly impacted me on a sexual level however the emotional neglect from my mother runs really deep for me and I'm coming to many realizations about how that has effected me and my self esteem. I'm always, always, always trying harder to be a better student, mom, runner, friend etc... and it's exhausting. I would do anything to be loved or to feel truly loved but that has to start with loving myself. That is the hard part because when you receive the same neglect over and over and over again you are/I am taking that in as part of your 'self worth'. This is cptsd. My mother always pushed me away and I always tried to work harder at wording things differently or find new ways to please her so she would hug me or show love for me. Even when I was upset/crying she would never hug or comfort me she would yell at me to toughen up. On Christmas Eve I was sick with the flu and shaking uncontrollably with a fever of 104 this was at the age of 12 - I ended up calling the emergency room to talk to a Dr. to see how to treat myself as my mother was threatening to throw me in a tub of ice water. My mother always pushed me away. Always.

Sorry for the vent on your thread. It helps me to get it out there.