Quote:
Originally Posted by Switch
Hi everyone,
So this is my first time posting about this under this name. I changed my name because I got scared of people knowing, but now I really want to talk about this.
Doctors tell me I have a dissociative disorder, and depersonalize. My friends say its DID, as does my therapist, but my pdoc doesn't want to look closely at it so it's just "dissociation and depersonalization" on my record. He would rather focus on my other dx's. I, personally, have no clue!
I have personalities that come out. They take over my body and I get locked into the back of my brain and can't do anything but watch. Sometimes they say I'm not even there, but I always remember it. They say that they restrict they're own memories and thoughts because they know that I will remember it. I even remember they're internal thoughts. They've admitted that they're withholding a memory from me from my childhood, and there is definitely a memory blank from my childhood. They also say they're extremely limited because of the memory things. That they aren't "strong" as they could be.
Sometimes they come out, and I don't notice until I start doing stuff that I would never do and I can't control it, and I start referring to myself in third person. It's not always like that. Mom says that it looks like I'm getting put under when I switch and they come out.
When I come back I'm freaking out, and after I calm down none of it seems real. The memories feel foreign and start slipping away unless I make them mine. Even then people remind me of things that they did.
I don't really know what's going on, I'm scared as hell, and I want to know but I don't want to have to put up with my sister and boyfriend freaking out because I've disappeared and they're talking to a five-year-old or a cowboy. I'm sick of friends freaking out and constantly wondering if I'm me!
If anyone can tell me ANYTHING it would be a big help. I am having such a hard time trying to wrap my head around this. It doesn't even feel real when it's not happening. I'm scared. Please no one be mad at me for being weird, I don't want to offend anyone because I'm different. I'm scared even bringing this up... but thank you for anything you guys can tell me.
|
Im not mad at you or think you are weird.. I know many people diagnosed with "dissociation and depersonalization" that are like you..
you said you remember everything when your alters come out...around here where I live and work thats one of the main reasons why those I know are diagnosed the same way as you... the diagnostic criteria for carrying the label DID says the person has to have a special kind of memory loss. that memory loss has to do with things like not remembering whats going on during a certain percentage of time when the alters are in control, since you are aware when your alters are in control if you were here in NY that would mean psychiatrists here in NY cant diagnose you with DID.
So please dont worry about the fact that you carry the diagnosis of "dissociation and depersonalization" instead of the label DID. its just a formality and logistics, labels dont make you any more or less then what you are, how you are and how mental disorders affect / present itself in you.
personally I would rather have been labeled "dissociation and depersonalization" instead of DID all the yrs I carried that label, theres much more stigma, problems, and its much harder to find treatment providers when you carry the label DID than there is with the label "dissociation and depersonalization"
your diagnosis label actually works to your advantage because just about every treatment provider in the USA deals with dissociation and depersonalization issues because dissociation, depersonalization symptoms happens with even normal every day stress and living and most if not all medications can also cause these same symptoms.
Another reason why if you were here in NY you would be labeled "dissociation and depersonalization" is because the symptom of not feeling in control, feeling like you are watching from behind, back, to the side, and not able to control whats going on as if someone else is in control and you are just watching, and the other symptoms you posted about like looking like you are being put under, is depersonalization is. Sounds to me based on what you have posted that your treatment providers have found a way to address your problems in the least restrictive/stigmatizing way that fits the symptoms you have.
so again please dont worry about the diagnostic labels. it really doesnt matter what you are called in the files, what matters is that you and your treatment providers work together on what ever problems /symptoms you have. you can still treat whats going on with you without calling it DID. just like you can treat a persons sneezing, coughs, sore throat and runny nose without calling it a cold /virus.