I have a history of alcohol abuse during times of extreme stress. Those were isolated episodes. I never used alcohol consistently. Usually I'ld figure what I needed to do to get myself out of very stressful circumstances. Then I really wouldn't have that much interest in alcohol. I've suffered from recurring depression all my life. When I'm severely depressed, I have no interest in drinking. It was in times of bad anxiety that I would drink. It's been years since I drank excessively. Now I'm starting to have chronic pain related to compressed discs in my spine. Suddenly I'm thinking I want to have alcohol available.

I grew up in a drinking family. Frequent alcohol use seemed normal. Occasional heavy abuse didn't seem strange to me. I think that may be why it occurs to me to think of alcohol as a way of escaping pain.

My pain med was suddenly stopped, due to new laws, according to my doctor. He said I can't get pain med (Vicodin) until I stop taking sleep med (a benzo.) I was taking both for past 3 months. Lots of people deal with way worse pain than I have. Doing chores around the house can set off painful muscle spasms in my neck. I have extreme anxiety fearing these muscle spasms and fearing further degeneration of my spine.

With having my pain med stopped, I feel trapped like a rat in a cage. I am starting to feel extremely stressed. I don't see a way I can control what's happening to my spine. Losing control seems to be what becomes intolerable to me in how it feels. I always could use my mind to figure a way out of a bad spot. Now I feel like my mind can't help me. Two days ago, I drank a bottle of wine by myself (750ml.) That is far from normal for me.

My parents drank for years without becoming alcoholics - IMO. My father never really crossed over into alcoholism. He was always very in control. So was my mother, until later in life. Quite late in life, my mother began drinking abnormally. I think that could happen to me. I want so bad to escape from depression, anxiety and pain.

Lately, I feel in despair. I live alone and I feel isolated. I am shy of venturing out amongst people. It used to be that either school or work kept me in contact with people. I no longer work. I hate to open my door even to go to the mailbox. It's like I am hiding, but, at the same time, I want to escape. Suddenly, I am interested in drinking to try and not feel bad.

Anyone ever go through this?