I'm new here.
Don't know if i'm correct but it sounds like the op is in a mixed episode?

i am tired too. Tired of fighting... tired of being my own dr., advocate and therapist. I live in NJ and is currently probably the worst place to live in if you are on disability with medicaid/medicare for a mental illness.

i have lost so much due to this disorder. My mind.... is no longer my own. There is no greater sorrow to me than to distrust my mind and not be able to rely on the one thing, i relied on most.

i have no support. No one that really cares or can actually help. Yet i am too blind to help myself with any consistency. My condition is getting worse. I've tried every option open to me, reached out for help and though at first some person may care and try to help, they don't stick with it in the long run.

I live in a time and a place where my illness robs me of dignity and self respect. The minute this label is known, is the minute one's credibility is questioned. And yet, it was a freeing relief the day i accepted the reality of this "label", this diagnosis... the reality of this inconstant mood disorder. In the 90's we were taught to shun "labels" and to therefore avoid and neglect such critical decisions regarding our state of mind or to even acknowledge somthing was wrong. I shroud myself in shame.... not my own, but the shame placed on me thanx to the ignorant mob and thanx to my own flawed perceptions of self due to the weakness of my brain. i feel shamed not only because of stigma but because of the things i've done or not done are shameful in my eyes.

Years and years of meds....of denial, of acceptance, of hospitals, of research, of compliance, of forgetting everything, of gaining and losing, of never giving into addiction to medicate the pain away...and still...i'm not better...in fact, i am getting worse with the yrs. I just found out i have hypo thyroidism, vitamin deficiencies, and other unknown hormonal irregularities to join in on the unstable chemical maelstrom that plagues me since god knows when. The system will never care, only individuals can and they are all too few or spread too thin to be of any ultimate help... i don't have the strength to reach out anymore. i am childless, husbandless, friendless and have an unsympathetic family who can barely take care of themselves let alone help me in any way. I've tried to find family elsewhere, but that is also short lived since depression imprisons me from people and makes me an inconstant friend. Nothing at all is stable. Nothing at all. i have done all the "right" things...went to the **** hole clinics and tried to be patient with the conveyor belt system i am stuck with since Not one private dr. will accept my insurance. Ive put up with their automaton pill dispensing ways... their lies, their calloused betrayals when failing to inform me of critical side effects. If i miss just 3 appts. in one year, they drop you without a care. No follow up..no nothing but one extra reason for my depressed brain to say: "i give up".

For these last 2 yrs. i've been on super high doses of meds...some of which should never have been prescribed as i later discovered. My cycles used to happen in clear cut cycles of either hypo manias/manias or depression, but after a time, they got more mixed and jumbled...more frequent and unpredictable. Many of the shorter lived depressions started to occur during my menstrual cycles. My manias no longer gave me the physical energy they once did, i started to have non stop acne at this age----everything pointing to some hormonal craziness going on in my body combined with this mood disorder. Trying to figure out what is what...what was causing what is exhausting. The doctors keep sending me to a different "room" as though i were at the dmv and no one cares to figure this out for me and then complain when i am forced to be my own frakkin doctor. Result: after carefully and slowly weaning myself off lamictal, then effexor for the sole purpose of understanding what is causing what ... so i can start new and do blood work etc... i climb into a euphoric mania, then crash into a horrid depression. I want to trust the meds and the doctors, but i feel i can't anymore.

i'm done with everything. This is no way to live ..i don't want to live like this anymore--- it's not worth the effort. writing any of this... don't even know why i'm doing it...what's the point?

my life once held so much promise... my art, my compassion and all efforts i've made in trying to help so many who suffer seems all for naught. What i came out of... how i turned my life around was stellar once...but now ....the tragedy of it all when all that i've gained slipped away little by little.
It's all lost now and there's no going back. so many years lost and no one left to hang in there for.

My dogs are dead now. They were the only children i had left. maybe i should go and put an end to this misery. people say it's cowardly, but i find i don't have the guts to end it all. Like hamlet, i'm stuck with all this endless inaction....this endless soliloquy i can't seem to put out of my mind