Thank you, Lee. My PCP who wants to play amateur psychiatrist is gone for 2 weeks. I thought so highly of him. He is the one who told me to apply for SSDI, which I got approved for. I only got one check so far. But, already, I feel like a leech on society.

My PCP doctor is not someone to be put on the pedestal that I had put him on. He gave me a prescription for a lower doze of temazepam. It was for 15 capsules. I can not get off temazepam in 15 days. The next day, my psychiatrist told me it would probably take months to wean off it. That might be overstating the problem. Benso's never helped me much. But once I get used to being on one, it is very hard for me if I stop it suddenly. I get what I call "the hee-bee-gee-bee's." It's like bugs running around inside of my thighs. I can't sit still. I go in and out of a tub of warm water. It's horrible. I've told my boyfriend that I would commit suicide, rather than go through that for an extended period of time. When I've gone through it, the reason was simply that I didn't get a refill, or failed to go to the doctor for a script. No doctor ever forced me into withdrawal.

I know nothing about street drugs and I have never been habituated to alcohol. But when I had the "hee-bee-gee-bees," I've thought to myself, and told my s/o that I would try and score anything (on the street) that would stop the withdrawal, if I couldn't get a prescription. I also found that drinking alcohol - for me - does not stop the withdrawal discomfort of abruptly stopping benzo's. So I always got the benzo and told myself not to let it happen again.

I am very sensitive to benzo's. Most of my adult life I've taken just Librium 20mg each eve to help me sleep. (I have a very hard time falling asleep.) But I went through a horror show of anguish just when I would run out of the Librium. I know I can taper off it because I've done so in the past.

I never asked for the benzo I am now on. A pdoc put me on Restoril (temazepam) 60mg each eve. That is a very high dose. He was nuts to order that. It would knock me out like a sledge hammer. I, myself, cut it in half to 30mg and had no withdrawal problems. I have to second guess them all the time. I can't trust them to know what is the prudent thing to do. I am alone with no family. My s/o can barely cope with his own life - never mind advocate for me. He is really my ex-boyfriend, but I don't have the heart to just leave him unsupported. He is elderly and frail.

I have made a mess of my life. Somehow, I will get it together.