Hello All,

Thank you for replying, I really didn't think I would get responses so fast. Really means alot right now.

I talk to a therapist weekly and see a psychitrist. They had me on a anit-depressent anti-anxiety and an anti-psycohtic for a while, to help me get off fairly comfortably from all the drinking and smoking I was doing. Now I am on just on an anti depressent and kolonopin. I hate drugs though, they have completely ruined and almost taken my life a few times. My girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was a lunatic and acted crazy when I was high.

Though I talk to my therapist and she does help somewhat cause she rationalizes my thinking, I don't feel like she really understands. Shes an older woman and I am a pretty young guy and we are from opposite ends of the country. Though, I know most humans feel this existential pain and confusion, I just don't think she can imagine the nightmares I have been through, being on the street, beggin for money from people, stealing from my mother because I just needed to get high so bad. This is horrible I know and I am so, so, so, ashamed, even though I have come a long way since then.

I do have my weeks where I am doing better than usual. I exercise, meditate, and read my scriptures. But something hits me every couple of weeks and I basically fall down a flight of stairs, which leaves me in a kind of comatose state for an indefinable amount of time. The light never stays consistent, always flickering.

I am trying to adjust to living sober but I have not been sober this long since before I was 13 years old. All these emotions are coming back up, I feel like my heart is just so so absolutely, completely broken, especially when I think about my ex and how much I screwed things up with her that she blocked me from her phone, email, etc. She was the one thing that was going right for me. Everytime I lay down to go to sleep my body stops as it hits the mattress but it feels like my heart just keeps dropping, though my bedroom floor and into a hole. I still picture her next to me. This is SO sad.