I was surrounded by people, yet felt so lonely.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Last night I was lonely, so I went to a relative's house for a small gathering. Tried to force myself to smile and be friendly. Not sure if they noticed anything was wrong.

Then I cried the whole way home because I felt so alone, and knew I was coming back to an empty house.

Spent most of today (Saturday) shopping with that same relative. We hadn't spent time together for quite a while. As we said goodbye and hugged, I thanked her for spending time with me and said, "I get lonely." She said, "Call me anytime."

Cried more on the way home.

Tonight a group of friends that gets together a few times a year had scheduled something at a restaurant. At first, I didn't plan on going. My hair was dirty and I hadn't showered since yesterday. The event started at 7:00. At 7:15, I got into the shower, threw myself together, and made myself go.

I was only there for 2 hours. It was a really big crowd. I've known a lot of these people for 30 years, but not really well (since I'm not good with close friendships at all).

Now I'm back at the empty house.

Not sure how I feel about the fact that I went to this event. It was a lot of, "Hi. How are you?" but no real substance. I don't have anyone to talk with and get down to the real substance. I miss that.

Anyway, back to the subject of this post.

I'm usually by myself every evening after work and all weekend. Sometimes I wish I had somewhere to go, and I think maybe I wouldn't be so lonely if I had somewhere to go and people to be with. But then I force myself to go out and be around people, and I feel worse.

Yes, worse.

Just reminds me even more of how alone I really am.

Opinions?