Hi Anika,
Please keep going. You are one of my heroes because you are carrying on and you do it without the drugs.
I take anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, and it is all supposed to help. How does it help? I play with my life with benzos and alcohol. It is all like a big roulette game. I thought it was all supposed to make me sane-the drugs, the therapy, the visits to the pdoc; but I feel that somehow it is all pushing my mood swings. I now feel like somehow the system took over when all I was doing was seeking help to understand my moods.
I admitted to a friend tonight that many nights I play a game. I play with the number of benzos I take, and the amount of alcohol I drink, and guess if I will wake up in the morning. I have received advice on this site to be careful, but I know what I am toying with. As I told my friend tonight, it is not that I want the drama of dying, I just don't want to be at all, so I get your being tired, Anika. There are so many times that I don't want to exist.
Sometimes I do want to exist, though, so I don't get why I have such conflicting emotions, and I fear that one day the dark side will win.
...As you can see, Anika, I am gloom and doom, but you are such a fighter. You say that you have no room for the depression, so don't let it win.
Bluemountains