Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
((((Geez))),
When something like this happens it is usually something that is deep in our subconscious and that is linked to our own inability to cope or believe in ourselves in the past,
This has something to do with that kind of experience for you I think. You have to figure it out and work "through" it, but I can tell you geez, you are "not" unworthy, this is only a deep "self misunderstanding" that you can really work through. And, often when we come across this kind of situation where someone triggers us, it actually brings a real opportunity for personal growth.
So, don't let yourself feed "into" this feeling of "failure" because this "can" be resolved. You are still working "through" things, it just takes time geez.
(((Big Reassuring Hugs)))
Open Eyes
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Thank you so much for writing ((open)) and everyone on this thread/message board
I know why I'm triggered. My personality is typically all or nothing and in addition to being a mom, wife, training for a marathon I am in school for a new career and a new life. When I'm into doing something 100% I am a people pleaser or aim to please to satisfy the expectations people have for me or what I think people should expect from me and I set my own expectations for myself to achieve to feel like I'm good at something.
I had a pop quiz the other day in class and the proff went over the quiz after everyone handed it in. I got two answers wrong out of 10 questions. 1 of the 10 questions I initially had correct but I changed it because my professor is all about trick questions and I was second guessing myself. When she went over the quiz she said "please tell me no one got this question wrong or selected this answer". I wanted to die right then. Something happened similar the week before and it was all I could do to not start bawling in class. I had to spend an hour fighting back the tears until I got to my car and then I started bawling and couldn't stop for a while.
I've felt this sense of disappointment in myself before. 20 years ago I went to the same college only I spent my time self medicating with alcohol and surviving while living at home. All I ever wanted was to feel loved and supported as a child. If I had that I could do anything. But instead I've pulled myself up 'by the boot straps' and forged ahead.
As long as I can remember I wanted love and support from my mom but never had it. I have trauma from my mothers neglect and as a child I would mentally say to myself: "what can I do differently to make my mom happy" "what can I do/say that will help me get the outcome I'm looking for: hugs, love, encouragement, acceptance" When I wasn't doing that I was trying to stay invisible to avoid being attacked emotionally or physically. But on the rare occasion when my mom felt a little less icy I would take the chance to reach out to my mom (for example at an aunts house in the safety of others) and ask her to read me a book at the age of three or four. But what happened? She would push me away and say she was relaxing and to go play (my aunts were worried about me as they witnessed my mom doing a lot of things). As I look back I now see the motivation for her taking the time to teach me how to read at that age.
After typing all that the feelings that resonate with me in class are the same feelings I had when I was trying to figure out a way to get my mom to love me. Always trying to figure out a better way and yet feelings of failure and hopelessness come to the surface. Kind of like a self affirmation: "see you can't figure it/her out!"
Thanks for listening.