Wow, Carol. All I can say is "been there"-- plus, I so admire your courage in writing about this. I have spent significant portions of my life in a fantasy world, one I first started constructing in adolescence. When I'm under severe stress, my mind can dump me into that world whether or not I choose to be there, and I have a hard time getting out again; it sounds like this may have happened to you. My most recent round of difficulties along those lines has involved someone I had a long-ago relationship with, but the time before that-- nearly 20 years ago now-- it was a public figure, someone whose work I genuinely admired. I didn't want to get lost in a fantasy involving this man; I felt helpless, as if I had been thrown back to a 12-year-old emotional state, and I never felt the same simple, uncomplicated appreciation of his work again. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed didn't make any difference. I very slowly worked my way out of the cellar, as I thought of it, with new interests and increasing success in my work. At that time I had no idea of what BPD was or why I was so helpless in the face of my emotions. I know fantasy isn't supposed to be one of the main escape routes for borderline individuals, but I've also read that we focus our attachment on our internalized images of others, rather than on the people themselves. If this is so, then a public figure whom we don't really know could make a tempting target-- we can make him whoever we want him to be, particularly if the real people in our lives have let us down. I'm still at the bottom of a steep learning curve, so I have no idea if this is really so.

As others have said, keep talking about it. Feeling that you can't just locks you deeper into the fantasy. I should know; this is the first time I've ever breathed a word about this to anyone, therapists included, so thank you again.