again, guess i should check in,.....

been wanting to drink to reduce stress, have not.

self medicating myself to cope wont help i know.

and a dirty little secret of Beauflow and I am sorry for this....ya know this morning i was thinking on this thought of, well i do have alcohol, i do have pot... they have been in the fridge for some quite time..... i have to wonder if with myself, i am proving something to myself.. i have the means to escape right in my reach--- i do not take it.

though, the cigarettes... they are not like the alcohol and pot... idk why.. and i feel like a failure with them still... i went a week, the longest earlier this year with not smoking, but once a cig was in reach, it was smoked... and one followed another...

Need to stop smoking, it is part of the stress causer right now due to health issues with my S/O and myself.....

I don't even know if addiction is my problem besides the street drugs that i had done, and don't go searching for these days...

addiction to escaping, the mental release is a positive with me; and i have been doing well with that.. escaping with going to lalalaland with art or just by myself, to which idk if that is healthy either....... addiction to the damn cigs yeah...

i am afraid to try the welbutrin that was offered by my general doctor, why - it is due to when i was on lamictal from the pdoc, i was told i was manic by the therapist (though i disputed that of mixed state),.. I am afraid if the therapist was correct, and if welbutrin does the same-- i don't want to go back to where i was on the lamictal....

and general doc, agrees chantex is a real no go for me.. though she does not believe i am bipolar2, but with my ptsd and thoughts already-- no go at all... that is why she suggested the welbutrin... i just don't know..