I just freak out. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anytime somebody is hurting me I just freak out.

Last time my old therapist was yelling at me, because he had a bad day, and was treating me poorly and I took a staple to my arm, but not in front of people and an ambulance was called. This time my team leader was yelling at me, treating me poorly. THE EXACT same circumstance. And in front of three providers I grabbed a paper clip and started stabbing myself. And I am super strong and can't stop.

And it's happened in therapy where I feel threatened and I will grab a pen and just stab myself multiple times in a row. And when my stepfather called me a baby I jammed the tip of a knife into my forearm. And in the hospital when somebody said something rude or inappropriate I would throw myself into walls. And it would take multiple men from other units to restrain me. I am relentless when this happens. I have like this super human power and I am like floating above myself. And the incidents are always spacey.

I seem to not care who sees me, unless the people who see will be harmed by it. Like children or family. But providers I could care less, because I see them as detached and unaffected. And I have no control over it. Not one bit. I wish I did. If it weren't for these incidents it would be years since I self harmed.

This part just freaks out. And I have no idea what's even going through this part's head. I have my suspicions, like maybe at some point he learned to use self abuse to get away from abuse from others. But I don't know that for sure. It could just be an anger response that gets taken out on the body. But it's like I'm coconscious of this part, but not the whole way. I can see what he's doing, but I don't realize how strong he is. Other people have to tell me. I'm coconscious of most of my parts though.