It's tough for me to say things will get better soon as my symptoms have only gotten worse over the last few years. Still, from all that I've learned (from doctors/therapist, talking with others with mental illness and doing research on my own) things will ultimately get better, so that's good news. As far as your feelings of being punished with depression? I'm not a doctor but I'd say this has nothing to do with you as a person. I think these horrible symptoms that you are experiencing are more neurological/biological than anything else. It definitely feels that way to me. Again, I'm not a doctor so I can't say it's all neurological/biological but I'd say it's more that than anything else, so maybe think of it in that way......So, NO you're *not* a terrible person and you don't deserve this horrible disease. And I'm 100% about this: There is ALWAYS someone out there that cares, even when the disease is telling you otherwise. Take care.