No one really believes me when I tell them that loneliness has not been an overarching theme of my life, despite always being alone.

I do have moments when I am intensely lonely. It's not so much longing for a friend as much as a deep hopelessness about never growing up emotionally and never "fitting in" anywhere. I am always embarrassed about my solitude. I don't like telling people about my weekend activities because there is always an absence of other people in my stories. I don't like always showing up to social affairs all alone. Alienation is an emotion akin to loneliness, I think. I feel alienated all the time.

But being with people is rarely something I want. It's exhausting work, being social. The upside of socializing with others is not readily apparent to me. Perhaps there was a time when I wanted to have friends, but I don't remember this. I always remember needing lots of space and preferring my own world above others.

My struggle is balancing blending in with others for practical reasons with being the lone wolf all the time. To have financial independence, you must deal with people and their complexities. There is no such thing as not "playing the game" when you have to feed yourself and pay the bills. Sometimes I really really hate playing the game, and I get depressed that it's such a chore. But I like being financially independent. So I keep up the struggle and just live for the weekends.