So I haven't been on here in a long time, big mistake. I've been so alone. At first, I thought I was starting to make friends.. but now I think they all just secretly hate me, so I don't go out anymore. I've developed a varying eating disorder. Every time I find myself doing it, I just want to cut and get the awful guilty feeling out of me because throwing up isn't enough. I feel fat and hideous while everyone tells me I'm "too skinny" or "just right". They're all liars anyway. I only hang out with one person and all we do is sit at the park and smoke cigarettes, or watch his dog chase squirrels. I know we would have more to talk about if I weren't so boring and depressed. He likes me, a lot. But he knows better than to try anything because he knows I'm not capable of having feelings. I thought I was doing better, maybe. Two months went by and I didn't cut at all. Then, one night, I did. Out of no where. I guess since I just could, I did. I'd been hiding all sharp objects that I could, but I found the giant bowie knife that sent me to the hospital almost a year ago, and instead of having a panic attack like I would have six months ago, I took the knife out of its case and cut up my stomach. That was about two weeks ago. Then last week I was walking with my one friend, and out of no where, I laid myself out on the train tracks as a train was approaching and my friend couldn't possibly convince me to move. He had to drag me and fight to keep me from jumping out in front of the engine as it passed and I fell silent, watching my chance at the End go by. Passing me without mercy. The train driver even gave me the bird and screamed curse words at me. It was probably one in the morning when my friend finally helped me walk back down the tracks and took me home. I was so shaken, so numb. I had no reason at that moment to die, except that I wanted to, I could have, and I totally forgot the world around me when the thought entered my mind. Forgot my friend was there. Forget anything mattered but death. I feel as if I'm just watching myself float around, like a ghost. No one notices, no one cares. I think the reason I keep trying to kill myself is because I've already succeeded on killing the inside of me, now its just a matter of killing the outside.