Please know this story may be very triggering and I would feel just awful if someone were to suffer from reading my story so please be careful!

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Okay, i have been told all my life how i was so afraid of my father as a 6 month old baby that I would claw and scream and thrash and throw myself backwards whenever he tried to pick me up or hold me.As sick as it sounds, I believe he was already " exploring" me then.

The summer before 2nd grade, every hair in my head fell out. i was told it was from playing in a mudhole, but 6 years ago my mother told me the doctor had told them it happened from trauma but she said i never suffered any trauma.Just knowing I had been lied to about it all my life told me it meant more than she said it did.Maybe thats the first time he really did anything significant to me that i reacted to.

i can still see myself in the bathtub when my mother was washing my hair and she screamed at my dad to come in there;I had the appearance of a shell-shocked baby in a war zone.. blank stare... no emotion... i can't remember feeling anything about it when it happened.

About that same time i think, ( I am still missing most of the pieces in my memory)we moved.Life became openly sexual in our home. By that I mean that we all were not allowed to come out of our bedrooms with clothes on unless we were leaving to go somewhere. yet we were not allowed to stay in our rooms.( I have 3 brothers).

My parents both would be naked also.This is how it was. I can remember my dad making me sit with him in his recliner chair and he would always put my hand "down there" and make me fondle him.My mother would sit on the couch watching tv masturbating herself. My brothers would be lying on the floor watching tv as alot of kids will do.

I remember one time I was lying on the floor with 2 of my brothers and one was sitting with dad and he had to do the touching, and although I was glad it wasn't me that time,I hated it for him.

I remember my mother putting me into poses for my father to take pictures with his polaroid camera.. the kind you had to peel the layer off of and let it dry. He had tons of pictures of her in poses like you would see in Playboy and Hustler. Me too.There was always a Playboy calander hanging on the living room wall and Playboy pictures hanging on the kitchen wall.The magazines were all over the house.

We were taken to nudist colonies and one time we were asked to leave because I refused to take my clothes off so we could hang out there. I was in so much trouble for that!My father was charged with attempted rape of my best friends sister.. she was 17, i was about 9 I think. I was devestated by the loss of my friends.. once the neighborhood found out, I was outcast by the kids. We moved away.

When i was 13 my father made me massage my breasts with vaseline in the living room every night for one hour " to make them develop into large breasts" according to him. my mother and my brothers were always in the room too, watching tv.If I refused or cried about it, I would have to do it longer, or my older brother would have to do it for me.. with me lying on the floor and him sitting on top of me.

Two of my brothers had sex with me quite often and I never felt I had a choice, they never stopped when I told them to..they felt entitled I guess.My father did alot of things to me sexually in an effort to teach me what a woman needs to know in order to be wanted by her husband.. so I could be a good wife.Thats what he said.

I remember telling him one time I was afraid to get pregnant and he told me had taken care of that so I didn't have to worry and he then explained to me about a vasectomy. I think I was 14 then because i had started my period and thats why i was worried. I do not recall any intercourse, but my therapist thinks it happened.I thought he had the vasectomy so he could have sex with me.

I can't seem to FEEL anything.. Numbness mostly. I only started to have vivid memories when he died.. 6 years ago.. and i started therapy one year ago for depression because I have fibromyalgia.I had always remembered being abused but i thought my mom was the good guy until he did die and i found out i was wrong about that.

I have been struggling.I have alot of emotional work to do but i have already done alot.I have lived a double life for so long.. the one that was real and the one i showed the world, and now i am having to sort it all out.. whats real and whats not real.

Two of my brothers are in prison for child molestation, and my mother is devoted to them.. going to visit every weekend and making sure they have money, and writing to them frequently.I have alot of issue with her.But its not anger or hatred.. i have yet to feel those emotions and my therapist is worried about that I can be angry for other people who have been abused, but not for myself.I try.

There is so much more but i know i have already rambled on with it this far and i am not feeling like i am in a very good place myself right now.. panic attack building.. i feel it heating my face.. temperature rising..so thats it for now...

If you read all of this.. thank you for sticking out til the end.. and I pray nobody was triggered... thanks alot for listening!