About a week before my surgery, I simply quit taking all my meds at once. I was up to nine pills a day - throughout the entire day. I was so sleepy all the time.

I got tired of not being able to drive across town without worry of falling asleep behind the wheel. I actually did at a stop light and only woke up when the guy behind me honked loudly.

The withdrawal was not pleasant. I managed to get through it and then had my surgery. Made a point to let them know that I was not taking all those drugs, only two now: the one I have to so I can walk, Neurontin, and the Lexapro for anxiety.

Since then I have become increasingly afraid to leave the house - I fight it with all my might. I don't want to go back to work - I just want to stay home. I don't want to deal with people or have anything to do with anyone.

I sleep a great deal. I haven't been taking the pain killers for my back hardly at all, only twice. I was supposed to call an actual psychiatrist's office, and I did, but they haven't called me back yet. I don't want to talk to them either - let alone drive there.

I feel the walls coming back up - the inner me is being submerged again, way down deep. On the surface I am fine - not suffering any effects from lack of meds. Inside is a whole other story.

My pdoc told me that he was glad that I stopped taking all those other drugs - the one doc here in town is basically a pill pusher.......I knew that. But they did help keep me balanced, but there were way too many meds. My pdoc is the one that wants me to see a psychiatrist to get me on the "proper meds" that I need........and so I can talk.

I can't talk to anyone anymore like I did with my former T. I miss our sessions terribly and Sept. is a long way away. By that time, the walls will be so high and so thick, he'll never get through. I do plan on going back to see him though - simply because I do miss him.

If I continue at this rate, I won't go out much longer. Monday is back to work and I'm not sure how I will deal with it. The mall drove me crazy tonight - too many people, noises, and just plain stuff going on.

I just wanted to run home and hide - my emotions were all over the place and I alternated between fear, anger, and survivial instincts. With no meds to help, it is not going to be pleasant for me or anyone that runs into me.

It is very hard to get ahold of my pdoc (which is why I started seeing this one here in town), as he is on the board of the hospital and travels with the sports teams, etc. I gather he is important - to me, it just means he is out of reach.

Suggestions..........anything helpful before I retreat permanently under my blanket would be appreciated. I don't understand this fear/aversion I have to leaving the house, but it is definitely getting worse and the better of me.

Mary Alice