Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys.

@Rohag,
I think I've struggled with depression/lack of motivation for all of my life. I only got diagnosed with OCD, general anxiety, ect in high school though. But I have always struggled with the social aspect, so high school was stressful for me and I was depressed then too.

I am better in college though.I was a very late bloomer in the social aspect. If I do go out with people ever, I just might seem like an ordinary laid back college guy. If I do find a circle (they're always temporary though, circumstances separate us) I am extremely happy with my life and have a sense of belonging. But I don't show my true colors to anyone. I text some of my friends back home and tell them all about my problems, and I think that may have pushed them away.

The main point I am killing myself over is why I didn't go to state school. I know I wanted a strong social life. Not necessarily a party-er, but to be the guy loved by everyone and to be welcomed to somewhere if I just show up out of the blue. Here though, I'm at a dead religious school (#2 worst rated party school) in a dead town, and my student body contains for the most part religious bigots who try to shove their beliefs down my throat, or superficial rich people. I know it sounds exaggerated, but I tried so hard, and I couldn't find anyone like me that was either struggling here or had a very down to earth care-free attitude. And the fact that I'm stuck here, that I can't transfer, and that I am preventing myself from doing well thus lowering my chances of transferring? I have contemplated killing myself twice tonight. Not seriously going through with it, but just trying to understand what would happen or would it be better than to suffer.

Community college was better for me, perhaps since I was home and had access to my family/friends that I've had around. But in all seriousness, if I flunk out of college (which is probably a 60% chance at this point the way my grades are going) my parents will not be paying for me anymore, and they'd still be very disappointed in me, why I didn't try, ect.

My most recent problem was, I've been talking to a girl recently that I went to highschool with on facebook. It's been very casual, and we've had these long late night hilarious conversations and I felt like I really clicked with her. If anything, I at least wanted to be friends. She has a busy schedule, but even so, you make time for people right? We talked for two days in a row, then we went three days without talking. No big deal, we were both busy right? Then this weekend comes along and we talk only a little bit friday night. She tells me to text her tomorrow so I did, and no reply. I texted her about three times I think, I let my emotions get the better of me. I told her to text me back at least so I know she's getting them. Today, no reply either. I've been on facebook all night and I see she comes on. I'm on the computer and I check back frequently to see if she is still on: she stayed on for 2 hours, and not one message, or anything. Now I'm starting to worry she's had enough of me.

You might think I'm making a big deal out of this. But this is the most fun I've had talking to someone in a while. I got that feeling of "living" again when we shared laughs. She was really nice, would even initiate conversation and I really felt like she was making an effort too. But I was worried from the beginning that my clingy nature might push her away, so I watched over my actions carefully with her. I really don't think I did anything wrong. I was being myself, I left her alone because I understood she was busy for days. This weekend I accidentally showed weakness though by texting her so much in succession. But besides that, I don't think I did anything wrong that would create some distance.

I consider this to be my curse. I don't know what it is about me, and I can't seem to figure it out, but I always cannot keep the friends I make, whether it's in the process of becoming friends, or when we're actual friends and just grow apart. I tried my hardest to not let that happen with me and her, but it just seems inevitable.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a really nice guy and I have really good intentions... but I'm trapped in an environment that makes me feel depressed and miserable, it's ruining my life. All I want is to have friends, to go out and live a little while I'm young, to find love, you know, basic things that humans go through during their lifespan. But not here. For the life of me I cannot make friends and I can't even remember the last time I went out.. I just sat in my room all weekend and never left my room. I'm slowly going insane. I'm getting super depressed just thinking about all the things I'm missing out on in a normal college, what's wrong with me that I can't make friends, what I did to deserve to be stuck here, the fact that I'm going to most likely fail out of school because this depressions is really preventing me from trying in school anymore. All of this combined, is making me implode. Too many emotions to describe. I'm so sorry if I seem like a drama queen, I'm a really emotional and personable guy who likes to express himself. None of this is exaggerated, I truly am expressing my circumstances and how I feel.

@Yoda,
I tried the counselors here freshman year. I didn't feel like I received the help I needed from them, because although people have their own problems, I'm not the typical student that goes here. I don't even think I belong here. Biggest mistake of my life. The "help" they gave me was common sense, and they encouraged me to explore spiritual life (surprise), which doesn't help me at all.

I think the worst part about it above all is with my parents. My mom knows I'm struggling, but she doesn't know the magnitude and the seriousness of the current situation I'm in. And if I told her, I might give her a heart attack, since she cares about me too much. But if I keep doing this and fail out of school, then I don't even know if I'll be able to look her in the eyes again. She's going to make me feel like I wish I have never been born. she's the last person in the world I want to disappoint or sadden, but unfortunately it never stops in my case.

I'll tell you how much I care about her. All of these issues: lack of friends or social life, knowing that failing out of school probably means no future, finding the right girl for me, my issues with myself, lack of motivation, ect. I am depressed about it, sure, but I keep telling myself that I have a whole life ahead to figure all of this out, that I'm only going to be 20 soon.

But when I think about how my mom has cried for me in the past because of the stuff I have gone through, and how she deeply cares for me. That I either have to share all of these burdens I'm going through to her very soon or the truth will come out when im kicked out of school.... thinking about that I'm a constant disappointment to her, how I have always disregarded her advice because I could never motivate myself enough to take it.. that I'm a miserable excuse for a life sometimes.. it just makes me break down and seriously think about killing myself. It's happened twice tonight.