Hi all!

Thank you so much for your responses. I have kind of known in the back of my head that I should go to see a doctor about this and it has been way, way, way, WAY overdue. Like, since high school overdue. I just have been afraid of the medications or the outcomes. What if they prescribe me something that makes me even crazier, and so on. I've got a few friends who are prescribed depression meds and they describe it as being hell, although it makes it better. I'm sure therapy could also help, I mean..I know it will.

About the HIV thing: I've always been a hypochondriac, I don't know why. It's almost more like a health phobia than attention seeking. I haven't had a relationship, no, but in college, like almost any other person, I did hook up, go to parties, drink...always protected minus one time, after which I got tested. I just know that I DON'T have it, that's what the rational part of my head says. At the same time, that rational part gets overwhelmed by the irrational part that tells me I'm sick, I'm letting down my family, I'm crazy. I made myself physically ill with anxiety for months last year over this. It's absolutely stupid, I slap myself in the face and say it's not possible if I tested negative but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

As for something happening recently: I mean, I've felt this way for years. But this year was especially bad. I was so stressed because I was graduating college and had to look for a job, I got BADLY played by this guy who I genuinely had feelings for, I got kicked out of my house in dramatic yelling-and-threatening-to-call-the-cops fashion by my family, and I lost my job for no reason other than the boss just didn't like me. That just pushed me over the edge even further, I was managing the crap feelings fine before and I would have long periods of "uppers" where I was happy for months and then it call came crashing down for months, but not to this extent, then pick back up. I gained weight, I stopped being motivated to work out or eat healthy food. For a few weeks I couldn't even make myself get out of bed until I HAD to or I was going to fail my classes. I just feel like I lost my ability to control this on my own.

Thanks for all your advice, though. I think what I want to change the most now is to just take care of myself physically again. I NEED to get out of my current (very stressful and unlikeable) temporary job situation and get the time to work out and eat healthily. Once I do that I know I will feel better at least physically. Then, the doctor of course. And therapy.