((Granite)) I am glad to read that you are feeling better today.

I am not sure if any of this will resonate with you or if it is just me dealing with my own crap right now but I figured I would throw out what I was thinking when I read your posts in the hopes that maybe it will help. If not, please know that I only mean well and truly feel for you.

Being around people is also exhausting for me even though at times it can be very enjoyable. I often feel wiped out and a bit raw in a way from having to keep up my shields when around others, even though I am with people I like. When I get back home I can feel sort of overwhelmed and sort of reminded of my "otherness" and often am reminded of how I am not quite "right" in a way. SOrry, not sure how to explain this well. It also seems that when I do have some good trusting interactions where I let my guard down and am truly being in the moment and letting myself interact openly with others-friends/family/T, I feel good in the moment but I have such a backlash of terror afterwards when I am alone to think about what I have done. Even though there was no indication of negativity from the other people I can't seem to stop the cycle of questioning everything and looking for bad in it. I so get it. The nice thing that I have found, and what I am wanting to point out to you, is that I am finding that although I still experience that backlash and fear, the times that I am able to trust and just be okay in the relationships and feel positive are lasting longer and there is a part of me that is able to at least pause long enough to remind myself that I still want to trust and that it might be my self-protective mode causing me to worry unnecessarily. It seems that you are able to keep the good feelings about your T longer and that you are doing so many more things with people and that they haven't been bad when you write about them.
Sorry if this didn't make any sense, my brain is very chaotic today so having a hard time being clear.