Hey guys
I am going through a divorce, and it is tearing me up. I just don't know what to do. I am struggling so badly right now. He just sent me a message telling me that I need to focus more on things that I can change about my life instead of what is going on with the divorce, but all I can think about is how I have failed so miserably in both being a mother and a wife. He asks 'how I have such difficulty loving myself'. I have such difficulty loving myself because suddenly I am not good enough. He knows that I have never really loved my self, this is not something new, this is something I have battled with my entire life, not being good enough. When I was finally feeling like I was good enough for someone and I was finally falling into a comfort zone, then he decideds he has had enough and leaves.
To top it all off he says that my son is a stubborn bullheaded little boy and that me saying he is a beautiful angel is like adding fuel to the fire. I know that he is a three year old boy and that he is going to be stubborn and test the waters. He isn't going to cooperate with what he is supposed to do. But that doesn't make an less of a gift from god. That just makes me feel even more guilty for not being there for him. I am his mother. I am supposed to be the one who sees him through these difficult times. I am sure part of this is acting out because his mom isn't there and he doesn't understand why. I just want to be with him. I am just falling apart, even as I am writing this I am crying. I feel like the worst person in the world but I don't know why.
Here is a copy of the letter he sent to me:
I read and reread your message several times and have been thinking about you a lot. It sounds like you still have a lot of work to do. I wonder why you find it so difficult to love yourself. You have always told me in stressful situations to “take care of yourself first”. Have you forgotten that? I recently completed a Communication skills class here at work. One of the topics that was covered was ‘circle of concern’ vs ‘circle of influence’. We all too often get so wrapped up in our ‘circle of concern’ that we find ourselves overstressed, exhausted, and ready to give up, and sometimes give up on life itself. The problem is that there are so many things within our circle of concern that we cannot change. We worry and fret over things outside of our control and to our own detriment. You have to learn to step back and focus on your circle of influence, those things you can change about your life. That is where we should be putting our effort if we hope to have any impact on our quality of life. Trying to change anything outside of your circle of influence is futile. It is an endless battle that will never be won. It is much better to leave that stuff in the hands of God. Put your faith in Him that things beyond your control will work out. That maybe things do happen for reasons we do not understand.

I wonder when was the last time you went to church… to pray for someone other than yourself?
I don’t want to hear your answer to that. I just want you to think about it.

And for the record, B is anything but beautiful. He is bullheaded and ornery so much of the time that we have together that most days I just don’t want to get out of bed. Any little thing can set him off without warning. It can be that I didn’t put enough cereal in his bowl for breakfast (even though they feed him again at daycare an hour later), or that he refuses to get changed and ready for bed, or he wants me to put his shoes on for him even though he can do it himself and I won’t do it for him. It is every day that I go through this battle. You don’t have a clue as to how much energy it takes from me to make it through to the next morning. So when you send me messages like the one below expecting me to feel sorry for you, that’s like adding fuel to a fire. There are a whole lot of people out there in a lot worse situations than you are. And they find a way to make the most of what they have.

I am not playing this game with you anymore. You need to grow up and learn how to figure things out on your own.

This is a copy of my first letter to him:
The past few months have been very difficult, both emotionally and physically. I have been trying to do my best to stay strong and take this divorce with strength and dignity, but I am finding that to be almost impossible. Everytime I think about the fact that I have a three year olf baby boy and my husband decided that he no longer loves me I fall apart. I wonder how in the world I am going to survive on my own. I have done nothing but take care of other people since I can remember, and now suddenly I am being told I am not good enough. Look at me I can't even write this email with out crying. I have tried to do everything I can to show you that I am a strong confident woman worthy of your love and affection, but for some reason no matter what I do it isn't good enough. So not only am I not good enough to be your wife but then I am beating myself up for being a terrible mother because I am not there for Brendan, because I am taking time for myself to get better and I am not with him. This depression and anxiety just keeps dragging me down and makes me unmotivated and hate life. How can I be a good mother if I am constantly dealing with such a debilitating illness that takes so much of my strength and energy just to do basic every day tasks, much less raise a beautiful little boy like Brendan. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything go away but I can't. That is what sucks about life.