wel.. firt off, details. I've been made fun of 'cause i was fat, and 'cause i was good at school. In grade school i was one year younger but better than the others, growing up i became more average, but still in the top 2-3 of the class up until high school. I never got admired for it, instead everybody hated me for it. I didn't show off, i swear.. i d0nt get it.. as for fat.. well it was and it is true, so no wonder they made fun of me. Somebody told me that since everybody has been made fun of, that i should just accept it.. i have no clue how to do it.. these memories are so vivid, i can recall everything.. and just a few days ago i've been told that I myself made fun of somebody too in grade school.. this made me feel even worse. I was so dumb that i did to others what made me feel like %#@&#!? i'm horrible, i feel worse knowing this and i0'm angry 'cause i feel that y brain is only keeping the victim stuff.. how come i don't recall about me teasing someone but i perfectly recall all of my classmates running down the hill singing a made up siong "roll, roll, roooooolll"... to me? this isn't fair and i feel weak and stupid.

Second, details about what changed.. i didn't actually learn to defend myself, but i became more popular and funny beacuse i got addicted to sarcasm. i started making jjokes about me before others so tat they hadn't anything left to say. this doesn't feel healthy to me, but desperate. I still feel like an animal trapped when many people make jokes about me (it happened a week ago or so at work during a cofee break), even if they are not so cruel. i shake and sweat and even if i try to break it ora void it with sarcasm, i think back and panick inside.

third, about me now.. as i said, i don't feel like i've changed much. i still feel weak. Even if it's somebody who i judge to be not "worthy", if he/she thinks bad about me or makes fun of me, i feel so bad. I'm scared and I feel guilty as if they were right.. and i don't feel like I'm so good, in fact I'm still fat and i don't even try to change.. for example.

thanks very much for replying, as for free therapy.. i live in italy and i'm not sure there are such centers here..