36 calendar days until I get fired.

Today was Monday.

Mondays suck.

I didn't take a sleeping pill last night because I went to bed late, and I was afraid it would make it difficult to wake up. Then I woke up tired and cranky.

I'm scheduled to see my therapist again Thursday and my psychiatrist again in a couple of weeks.

Those two appointments might be my last chances to see them before I am suddenly without insurance.

Over the last few days, I've been feeling pretty blah.

One minute, I'm fine with the thought of being fired. I'll collect unemployment and work on finding new clients to add to the business I have been running part-time (very part-time) for several years. Then I'll be able to get off unemployment.

The next minute, I'm making a fist with my left hand and releasing it, taking deep breaths, and willing myself not to have a panic attack (although I don't think I've ever had one before) over the idea of being without a job and without health insurance.

But just because I'm going to be without health insurance again, it does not mean I will NEVER have it.

And why don't I believe in myself enough to believe that I can get serious and grow my very part-time business into a success. There are hundreds of people online who need what I have to offer and I'm good at it.

Today was another ****** day at work. The people I report to were in and out of the office of the manager, and either I'm paranoid or they were telling the manager more stuff that I've done wrong.

I'm sure they'll continue to find stuff that I've done wrong, even after I'm gone. I'm that incompetent at this job.

Then my mom calls to tell me one elderly person we know just died, two are very ill, and one is near death. She went on and on about how lucky they are to have health insurance, and then I start freaking out again about losing mine soon.

And I come home to an empty house again.

It's like suddenly I woke up and realized, "Hey, you forgot to establish a decent relationship with someone and make it last, so now your child has a life of his own and will soon be moving out. You have no one."

Sorry. I just felt like whining. The only positive human contact I've had all day is my dog. At least I've got unconditional love from one source.