In my fantasy, I am saving Boukreev from his loneliness and his feeling of not feeling fit anywhere except in the mountains.

He has always been isolated from others, except when climbing with them. In one of his books, he is described as "his sisters being his best friends" and being a lonely library boy keeping his mother company. (don't quote me; not word for word).

So I must have made up a story in my mind of "saving him" or something and having him "save me", too.

Anyway, last night was hard. I did not quite make it. "He" came over again (not him, I fantasized him coming over); I could not be a mench and deal without it.

I could not sleep without him or with him last night.

I don't know wher I am going with this.

My insomnia is escalating.

this has been going on since 2008, even when I was still in the psych system and I remember begging my pdoc to put me on some medication for s*x addiction and/or ocd symptoms. He did not. He did not know how to help me.

My counselor, back in therapy, also had just said, "You need this out right now becaue your aunt died." Did not change it either. She did not work thru it with me.

I was dealing with it alone.

Thanks everyone for helping this thread.

I desperately need some support and to stay in reality, in the world.

It also seems I am helping break others' silences, too. That warms my heart.

Carol