This is very much like how I am. I've had "euphoria" but it wasn't happy or exciting. I've never had the kind of hypmania or mania that I hear people wishing they could have back (creative, high energy, get things done, feel good).

My "highs" are full of - irritability/anger. I have had huge problems with unexplainable rages that come from no where. When I was growing up I'd think of it as "black rage" and visualize it as black inky smoke coming from my pores. I wouldn't hallucinate it, but in my minds eye that's how it was - this stuff enveloping me. Road rage was a huge problem. I'd be *****y and rude. I'd get mad and destroy stuff (at home) or be in a store and have to control myself from knocking over displays or pushing people.

Lots of energy but not anything good, like being on a runaway horse - unable to do anything but hold on and the ride was horrible.

obessesive/paranoid about stuff. I could only stop at gas stations I'd been to before (I ran out of gas quite a few times), feeling of being cursed so things didn't work. CD player didnt work - I'm cursed! My absolute worse I had lost my job and was reapplying and not getting interviews and I was convinced my former boss was black balling me. Obsessing about the phone working (waiting for calls) so picking it up/hanging up over and over.

Thoughts racing so fast I can't carry on a conversation. Feeling of an "itching" inside my head - or feeling like a gerbil scratching at the glass cage trying to get out.

I also get tantrums. And super irritable so little things set me off. Lots of pacing.

Also hypersexuality that led to some bad choices. And I never had money to go on spending sprees but I'd do stuff like check out 20 books from the library on the same subject to read in 2 weeks. Or research or obsess about a subject or person or series (tv or book) and watch/read all of them as quickly as possible.

I would drink more too, because I needed something to explain my behavior and being drunk and acting like that was better (I thought) than being sober and having no explanation for what was going on.