Hi shoez,

It is hard to feel like anything but an object if you've experienced a lot of abuse in your life. So that is completely understandable. Sucks a LOT but it is understandable. (I'm so disconnected from my body -- it feels like it's never belonged to me some days!)

You say you're not sure if you should trust your T, because you don't want to be thrown into a hospital... have you thought about talking to your T about alternatives to a hospital - somewhere you can get support, but not necessarily be put into a hospital? Trust takes time but pretending to be fine (when you aren't) isn't exactly helping you. (Once again though, not judging you because I've done exactly the same thing!!)