My real dad was in the Air force, he served on some sort of missle base, now closed, in Arizona. The desert town nearby is where most of the childhood sexual abuse took place ..I did not remember at all what had taken place to cause him to leave until after the hostage and robbery incident in my 20's when I was flooded with images from childhood of it,up until that point I only recalled he and my mom divorced, but I always thought he would come back, because in the air force he was sent away allot, so i just figured he would be coming back..did not understand what a divorce was until much later..and again had totally blown away the fact he had held me hostage at gunpoint when I was about 6. A child part thinks that monsters came and took him away, because the drama revolved the police turning off the lights before they broke down the door, and it was kinda dark except for the police car lights bouncing off the room walls..so when they came in..she only comprehended monsters because of the god awful chaos..ya know a child copes a way a child copes..probably why I have a real problem with this kind of stuff, hope therapy will help that...because I know ya know no such thing as "Monsters"...unless you talk about some of the ones walking around hurting innocent people and kids..but I cant shake that core system..in the dark there are monsters..no matter how I analyze it...

But I used to wander the desert bluffs which surrounded the town allot after that by myself, but like you, I dont have a memory of being lonely, was like, I always had somebody there..now common sense would tell me that was stupid we had cougars, rattle snakes, coyotes, and the two legged varmits running around up there..

As Therapy progresses I find my memory can get much worse..sessions where entire segments are missing, or sometimes my T has to repeat stuff over when the dissociation is obvious..how embarrasing to go the the restroom and walk out wondering if you needed to go or rather you were leaving because you dont remember if you went in..confusing..I term it "sometimer's"..sometimes I remember..sometimes I dont..and try not to be to hard on myself...