I'm not sure where to say this because I have no diagnosis, and no therapist, and I just need to vent and really hope someone listens to me.

I was already just having a terrible day today because I had a terrible one yesterday. Last night I spent at least an hour cutting myself on my hip, and was in terrible physical pain throughout the night. Then I woke up today and was in deep pain all through the day. I couldn't do anything comfortably or think straight. My mind was so cloudy. I had a lot to do when I got home, but I couldn't do it. I just got home, laid on the couch, and ate a bunch of junk. Seven hours passed. Nothing done. The chapters of the book I need to read, not touched. Test I have to study for, not done. Instrument practice, not done. Homework, of course I haven't glanced at it. All I got accomplished was laying down, feeling upset about throwing away my razor blades last night, picking apart a new one, and cutting more, and crying and laying on the floor feeling worthless. I'm already in a terrible mood. My family comes home and starts yelling at me for being lazy. They said some things that really got to me. Mind you, I've been feeling bad these past few weeks for my cutting. I can't believe I've done this to myself, and I've permanently damaged my body, and I can't hardly remember what lead me to make the first cut. I really want to be beautiful, but I'm ruining everything. And this feeling of hating myself for cutting makes me want to do it more. But I threw away the new blades I picked out from my razor also, so cutting more would mean work that I don't want to do. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to my family, and I don't want to live. I suck. I keep on doing everything to ruin my life. Good things have been happening in my life very recently, I realize that. It just doesn't matter to me. Nobody understands and nobody cares.

Then my mom comes and decides she wants to talk about sexual abuse that I told her about years ago. She thinks that must be why I'm so upset. I was hardly even thinking about that. Like, it always is kind of in the back of my mind, but BAM, with one word, she puts it right in the center of my mind. Now I really can't think. Now I'll really get nothing done. And now I feel like crap, I look like crap, and I'll have a terrible day tomorrow too. Why does my mom always make everything worse, and why does everyone in my house just go on being happy and laughing when I'm alone in my room feeling terrible? My parents always say "Why can't you control the emotions" and they just keep on pushing me harder with everything. I can't do any of it, and I don't want to. All I ever do is make a fool of myself and let people down. I don't know what to do. I just want to talk, but I can't talk to anyone in my house. I couldn't talk to anyone I know. Their expectations are too high. I'm supposed to be better than I really am. The only person that kind of cares is my little brother, but I don't want to talk to him because I don't want to disappoint him. I'm just so fed up with being everyone's burden.