((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))

A Childs imagination can go anywhere. For example maybe as a child you saw a documentary or cartoon where animals or cartoon animals got stucK or sucked into a tar pit, sand pit quicksand pit. and now you are thinking about that and building it into a hallucination.

But maybe its not a hallucination Maybe someone at one point while you were watching this on tv or movie emotionally abused you by telling you if you ever told you would end up in a tar pit being sucked down. maybe what your brain is throwing this piece of memory out to you is that terrifying memory because you somewhere in your brain realized you were feeling comfortable and didn't believe you have the right to be comfortable.

Kind of like at one point In another state it was getting close to the two year mark where I had been living in this one town. I would always have to move about every two yearsbecause of abusers finding me. So here I was in this one town and feeling comfortable and had a caretaking job of taking care of this smart well behaved child after she got out of school for about 3-4 hours a day. The mom and I were really close one of my best friends. But one day I realized I was getting too close to her. That soon I would only have to leave her behind and for my safety and hers never have contact with her again. Instead of waiting it out and enjoying feeling comfortable in the job and relationship I sabitoged it. I started taking the child to another friends house house and having the childs mother pick her up there. She would get there and ask me if everything was alright and I would say yea sure everything is find I just didn't want to be alone. then each time I would "become" more evasive in answering her questions and one day I told her well you know Im in therapy. The reason is because sometimes I get hurt and don't remember doing it. the last time they locked me up in the nut ward for two weeks. That did it. She no longer wanted me to be alone with her daughter. I could still watch her daughter but with my friend at my friends house. Little by little I started having things to do so that my friend eventually took over totlat caretaking of the child. And then when I knew it would not hurt the child I stopped contact completely with these two friends. I didn't have to leave that town for 6 more months and I didn't know when I would have to leave. I sabotaged it some because of having to eventually leave but the most influence factor in it was that I was feeling comfortable.

I have also sabotaged therapy sessions from time to time in the past due to I was afraid to get better. Hey being the way I was I knew what to expect and it was just normal to me but not having everything was going on happen now that was scarey and I didn't want to change or have anything in my life change. So when I would notice things were changing I would do something to sabotage the progress, the therapist, the techniques being used so that they no longer worked.

Maybe that is where you are right now. You maybe felt comfortable with the relaxation visualizations and being comfortable after abuse is scarey so how best to sabotage a relaxation visualization - bring into it a memory that had scared you as a child.

Just my quirky way of looking at all angles. If Im wrong throw the idea away.

Hang in there ((((((((((Scully))))))))))